TEXT
Snotty: Justin brought home all of his He-Man toys today. ALL of them!
Indy: Hehe I should dig out all my old toys and we can play like we are five!
Snotty: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
Indy: Yes!
Postmortem Texting
TEXT
Snotty: You can stop sending me job postings. I've decided to jump off a cliff instead, GOODBYE.
KJ: Take me with you.
Snotty: Too late I'm dead.
Snotty: You can stop sending me job postings. I've decided to jump off a cliff instead, GOODBYE.
KJ: Take me with you.
Snotty: Too late I'm dead.
Pining/Pwning
TEXT
Snotty: I'm having a good time!
Esq: Sweet! I am jealous but also relaxed and pleased and pining for you!
Snotty: I pwn for you also, except not *pwn* except yes pwn. Heh.
Esq: Woot!
Snotty: PWNED
Snotty: I'm having a good time!
Esq: Sweet! I am jealous but also relaxed and pleased and pining for you!
Snotty: I pwn for you also, except not *pwn* except yes pwn. Heh.
Esq: Woot!
Snotty: PWNED
Chuck Norris
Playing video games...
Josh: I look like Chuck Norris!
Esq: I know--roundhouse! roundhouse!
Josh: I look like Chuck Norris!
Esq: I know--roundhouse! roundhouse!
Kids & Politics
Tutoring at 826Seattle...
Eden: This pen is running out--it's bailing on me!
Snotty: Hahaha, "bailing".
Eden: I need a bailout!
Eden: This pen is running out--it's bailing on me!
Snotty: Hahaha, "bailing".
Eden: I need a bailout!
Life-Trapped
Tutoring at 826Seattle...
Ranae (trapped by desks and chairs): I can't get anywhere around here!
Snotty: That's how I feel about life.
Ranae (trapped by desks and chairs): I can't get anywhere around here!
Snotty: That's how I feel about life.
Sombrero Turd
Talking about this photo, Nunuvut's official Coat of Arms:
Esq: Why does this look like a third grader drew a pile of stones and stuck a sombrero on top of it?
Snotty: Because they're fucking Canadians!
Esq: It's like a bowl of salsa and a turd of a sombrero.
Esq: Why does this look like a third grader drew a pile of stones and stuck a sombrero on top of it?
Snotty: Because they're fucking Canadians!
Esq: It's like a bowl of salsa and a turd of a sombrero.
Three's Company
Three different things I heard on Saturday that made my life worth living:
That's like a Huey Lewis song, but different.
There's a hobo in Gig Harbor!
You kind of look like a deflated Christian Slater.
That's like a Huey Lewis song, but different.
There's a hobo in Gig Harbor!
You kind of look like a deflated Christian Slater.
Perfect Set-Up
Rick (Esq's dad): I won't be happy until everybody's fingers are in the right place.
Snotty: That's--what--SHE SAID! *punches the air* YEAH!
Rick: Convo blog!
Snotty: That's--what--SHE SAID! *punches the air* YEAH!
Rick: Convo blog!
V.1
Snotty: The hate mail is pouring in!
Esq: Good!
Snotty: I'm compiling the best ones for a post. Oh, and I still have to do your dad.
Esq: ...
Snotty: Not what I meant.
Esq: Good!
Snotty: I'm compiling the best ones for a post. Oh, and I still have to do your dad.
Esq: ...
Snotty: Not what I meant.
Sexy Party
Snotty: No bitches while I'm gone.
Esq: ...oookay.
Snotty: That didn't sound very sincere.
Esq: I was going to have a sexy party tomorrow--
Snotty: I'll kill you.
Esq: But now that you mention it--
Snotty: I'll kill you.
LOL
Esq: ...oookay.
Snotty: That didn't sound very sincere.
Esq: I was going to have a sexy party tomorrow--
Snotty: I'll kill you.
Esq: But now that you mention it--
Snotty: I'll kill you.
LOL
Breaking Up
Overheard on Capital Hill...
Dyke 1: BITCH, DON'T TELL ME YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE.
Dyke 2: *shrug*
Dyke 1: ON A STREET CORNER!
Dyke 1: BITCH, DON'T TELL ME YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE.
Dyke 2: *shrug*
Dyke 1: ON A STREET CORNER!
Favorite Religion
I saw an ad for a book by Michael Horton called 'Christless Christianity'...
Snotty: (points at it) Look! Christless Christianity?!
Monica: What is it?
Esq: Also known as "--ianity".
Snotty: (points at it) Look! Christless Christianity?!
Monica: What is it?
Esq: Also known as "--ianity".
Duck Brains
At 826Seattle...
Renae: Read this sentence I wrote.
Snotty: "A gooey ducks does not know if its humble because they lack a brains."
Renae: Good?
Snotty: Um....
Renae: Not good?
Snotty: More like "not English".
Renae: Read this sentence I wrote.
Snotty: "A gooey ducks does not know if its humble because they lack a brains."
Renae: Good?
Snotty: Um....
Renae: Not good?
Snotty: More like "not English".
Too Loud
At the Halloween party...
Snotty (to the DJ): It's not every day you get the honor of dancing with a deejay you don't know very well in someone else's garage!
DJ: I can't hear you!
Snotty: WHAT?
DJ: I can't hear you!
Snotty: I can't hear you!
DJ: WHAT?
Snotty: I LIKE YOUR 'DICK IN A BOX'.
Snotty (to the DJ): It's not every day you get the honor of dancing with a deejay you don't know very well in someone else's garage!
DJ: I can't hear you!
Snotty: WHAT?
DJ: I can't hear you!
Snotty: I can't hear you!
DJ: WHAT?
Snotty: I LIKE YOUR 'DICK IN A BOX'.
Hand Jobs
Passing a construction site sign-twirler...
Snotty: I wondered if I could be a sign-twirler.
Esq: And?
Snotty: NO. I'd rather be a prostitute.
Esq: Really?
Snotty: Really.
Esq: Why not do both at once, make double your money? Well, not double, but you know what I mean.
Snotty: Nice.
Esq: What if a cop shows up? You'll have a convenient excuse for walking the street. 'What, I'm just twirling this sign.'
Snotty: True!
Snotty: I wondered if I could be a sign-twirler.
Esq: And?
Snotty: NO. I'd rather be a prostitute.
Esq: Really?
Snotty: Really.
Esq: Why not do both at once, make double your money? Well, not double, but you know what I mean.
Snotty: Nice.
Esq: What if a cop shows up? You'll have a convenient excuse for walking the street. 'What, I'm just twirling this sign.'
Snotty: True!
A Theist
Snotty: So, can you tell me what an atheist is?
Oren: Someone who doesn't believe in God.
Snotty: Right! Then what DO they believe in?
Oren: ... Satan?
Snotty: Good try.
Oren: Someone who doesn't believe in God.
Snotty: Right! Then what DO they believe in?
Oren: ... Satan?
Snotty: Good try.
More Poop!
OVER TEXT
Topic: the 'Blog Reading Level' widget (where my blog rated 'Elementary School Level')...
Griz: I think it discriminates against breeders.
Snotty: It's best described as a measure of unreadability. If it's clearer to read, it ranks closer to elementary school. The more fragments, etc, the higher the rank because it's technically harder to read from a computer standpoint. Says Justin.
Snotty: But I always thought it was b/c my name is Snotty and I talk about little kids and say 'poop' a lot.
Topic: the 'Blog Reading Level' widget (where my blog rated 'Elementary School Level')...
Griz: I think it discriminates against breeders.
Snotty: It's best described as a measure of unreadability. If it's clearer to read, it ranks closer to elementary school. The more fragments, etc, the higher the rank because it's technically harder to read from a computer standpoint. Says Justin.
Snotty: But I always thought it was b/c my name is Snotty and I talk about little kids and say 'poop' a lot.
Alpha Lite
OVER TEXT
Snotty: -I'M NOT A COMPUTER GOD, YOU KNOW.
Bangs McGee: I have light God tendencies.
Snotty: -I'M NOT A COMPUTER GOD, YOU KNOW.
Bangs McGee: I have light God tendencies.
And I Nap
OVER TEXT:
Snotty: I'm so bored. What do normal people do on a Tuesday?
Matt: Normal people go thru pointless motions in inhumane cubicles.
Snotty: I'm so bored. What do normal people do on a Tuesday?
Matt: Normal people go thru pointless motions in inhumane cubicles.
Tutor=Torture
Renea (8 yrs old): How do you spell 'tutor'?
Snotty: T-O-R-T-U-R-E.
Renea: (laughs) NUH-UH! That doesn't sound right AT ALL. It's more like T-U-T...O...
Snotty: Sounds like you've got this under control--I guess I just can't spell it.
Renea: But you're an adult!
Snotty: SAYS YOU, but you're a kid!
Renea: I'm just gonna do my homework now.
Snotty: Nobody calls me an adult and gets away with it!
Renea: You're weird.
Snotty: You're eight.
Snotty: T-O-R-T-U-R-E.
Renea: (laughs) NUH-UH! That doesn't sound right AT ALL. It's more like T-U-T...O...
Snotty: Sounds like you've got this under control--I guess I just can't spell it.
Renea: But you're an adult!
Snotty: SAYS YOU, but you're a kid!
Renea: I'm just gonna do my homework now.
Snotty: Nobody calls me an adult and gets away with it!
Renea: You're weird.
Snotty: You're eight.
Take Heed
Snotty: Maybe if you worked harder at trying to read my mind, you wouldn't have to spend so much time not reading it.
Esq: Sage advice.
Esq: Sage advice.
Baby Face
Buttercup: She had Mexican boyfriends in high school!
"She" responds: They had those smooth babyfaces!
"She" responds: They had those smooth babyfaces!
Glass: Half-Full
KJ: I never wanna see anything emotionally upsetting!
Snotty: WOW. Good luck with LIFE.
Snotty: WOW. Good luck with LIFE.
Bacon Suit
Esq: Unsurprisingly, I also saw a guy in a bacon print tuxedo that had the actual smell of bacon today.
Brain Food
OVER TEXT
Snotty: I made brain cupcakes!
Griz: Brain cupcakes sound like a brilliant idea! Something seasonal for the zombies.
Snotty: I made brain cupcakes!
Griz: Brain cupcakes sound like a brilliant idea! Something seasonal for the zombies.
Booze Pie
OVER TEXT
Snotty: Holy soaked-in-booze pie, son, that there was delectable! Thanks for sharing!
Indy: Hehe just the apricots on top. Was it overpowering?
Snotty: No, we loved that part!
Snotty: Holy soaked-in-booze pie, son, that there was delectable! Thanks for sharing!
Indy: Hehe just the apricots on top. Was it overpowering?
Snotty: No, we loved that part!
Sure Did
Whoreleen: Did you get a salad?
Snotty: I don't believe in salad.
Whoreleen: Did you just say that?
Snotty: I don't believe in salad.
Whoreleen: Did you just say that?
Bloody End
Snotty: How do you want to die?
Esq: Something memorable so my parts get sprayed all over people.
Esq: Something memorable so my parts get sprayed all over people.
Donner Party Treats
Past convo, re-discovered:
Esq: Would you like a gingerbread cookie?
Snotty: I don't think I've ever had a gingerbread cookie.
Esq: (disbelieving) Really?
Snotty: Yeah.
Esq: They're possibly the best-tasting human-shaped treats available.
Snotty: Fine, I'll try one.
Esq: (hands one to me) My advice is to bite the head off first.
Snotty: Why the head first?
Esq: You'd feel bad if you started at the other end and they just watched you the entire time.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Esq: (scoffs) What do YOU know about eating people?
Esq: Would you like a gingerbread cookie?
Snotty: I don't think I've ever had a gingerbread cookie.
Esq: (disbelieving) Really?
Snotty: Yeah.
Esq: They're possibly the best-tasting human-shaped treats available.
Snotty: Fine, I'll try one.
Esq: (hands one to me) My advice is to bite the head off first.
Snotty: Why the head first?
Esq: You'd feel bad if you started at the other end and they just watched you the entire time.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Esq: (scoffs) What do YOU know about eating people?
Playing Favorites
Snotty: Who's your favorite?
Esq: Between...
Snotty: Your mom and your dad.
Esq: YOUR dad.
Snotty: I'm writing that down.
Esq: Between...
Snotty: Your mom and your dad.
Esq: YOUR dad.
Snotty: I'm writing that down.
Death Wish
Esq: It's a personal choice--I don't understand making suicide illegal.
Snotty: IT'S ILLEGAL IN HEAVEN.
Esq: There is that.
Snotty: IT'S ILLEGAL IN HEAVEN.
Esq: There is that.
Gay Weddings
After watching this video...
Snotty: That's what I want our wedding to look like: glitter, strobe lights, and blackface.
Snotty: That's what I want our wedding to look like: glitter, strobe lights, and blackface.
Brutal Honesty
Snotty: Well why did you go out with her, then?
Esq: She was thin and looked like a model.
Snotty: OH. Those reasons.
Esq: She was thin and looked like a model.
Snotty: OH. Those reasons.
Scissor Queen
Snotty: Here you go, sweetie, all the scissors you could ever ask for.
Little girl: (curtsies) Thank you, Your Highness!
Little girl: (curtsies) Thank you, Your Highness!
Dirty Thirty
Snotty: Are you nervous about turning 30?
Mr. Rice: Um, YEAH.
Snotty: It's not that bad.
Mr. Rice: ...I'm a child-man.
Mr. Rice: Um, YEAH.
Snotty: It's not that bad.
Mr. Rice: ...I'm a child-man.
Instrumental Failure
Whilst tutoring...
Kid: I'll bet you don't know what I play.
Rosen: Well, what do you play?
Kid: I don't remember the name.
Kid: I'll bet you don't know what I play.
Rosen: Well, what do you play?
Kid: I don't remember the name.
Interstate 5
On our way down South:
Snotty: Going to Gig Harbor is HARD!
Esq (agreeing): The way is long and fraught with peril.
Snotty: Going to Gig Harbor is HARD!
Esq (agreeing): The way is long and fraught with peril.
Community Service
On the blogging conference:
Snotty: The speakers kept saying 'The Community is always there, you just have to find them!" and 'Who's in YOUR community?'
Esq: Okay.
Snotty: So. Who's in my community?
Esq: *raises hand*
Snotty: Hahahaha, c'mon!
Esq: You just have to find me.
Snotty: The speakers kept saying 'The Community is always there, you just have to find them!" and 'Who's in YOUR community?'
Esq: Okay.
Snotty: So. Who's in my community?
Esq: *raises hand*
Snotty: Hahahaha, c'mon!
Esq: You just have to find me.
Flavor Aid
Snotty: If I could execute an Expecto Patronum, I bet Justin would come shooting out of my magic wand to protect me. He's pretty powerful.
Josh: I think mine would be Jim Jones.
Josh: I think mine would be Jim Jones.
Car Insurance
Snotty: One of the worst slogans ever: "So easy a caveman can do it."
Joshy: Yeah, caveman can't even make FIRE, so it must be pretty fucking easy.
Joshy: Yeah, caveman can't even make FIRE, so it must be pretty fucking easy.
Grimace Who?
Snotty: What do YOU think Grimace is?
Joshy: He was definitely the first cutter.
Snotty: But WHAT is he? A trampoline? Grape Jello?
Esq: He's an organ.
Joshy: Yes! That's what your kidneys look like after eating at McDonald's.
Esq: It's a McDonald's-induced organ.
Joshy: He was an international playboy... I wonder, if you stabbed him, what color he would bleed.
Esq: Bright green, maybe.
Joshy: I think it would be poutine.
Snotty: WHAT?
Esq: Poutine would make the most sense.
Joshy: He was definitely the first cutter.
Snotty: But WHAT is he? A trampoline? Grape Jello?
Esq: He's an organ.
Joshy: Yes! That's what your kidneys look like after eating at McDonald's.
Esq: It's a McDonald's-induced organ.
Joshy: He was an international playboy... I wonder, if you stabbed him, what color he would bleed.
Esq: Bright green, maybe.
Joshy: I think it would be poutine.
Snotty: WHAT?
Esq: Poutine would make the most sense.
Candy Bracelet
Snotty: I haven't started to chew on myself yet.
Esq: Mm.
Snotty: But I will.
Esq: Mmhmm.
Esq: Mm.
Snotty: But I will.
Esq: Mmhmm.
Twitterpated
Best debate Twitter so far:
I took a shot of tequila everytime Palin said "also" and now I'm dead.
I took a shot of tequila everytime Palin said "also" and now I'm dead.
With a Side Salad
OVER TEXT
Snotty: The Esq just said "hot beef injection" with a straight face.
Whoreleen: That is fucking amazing.
Snotty: The Esq just said "hot beef injection" with a straight face.
Whoreleen: That is fucking amazing.
Nag Champa
OVER TEXT
Snotty: Um, there's a girl coming who is special. I apologize in advance, I just found out.
Rosen: Care to elaborate?
Snotty: She's the Hippie Fantastic LoveBoat Parade.
Rosen: Preemptive apology accepted.
Snotty: Um, there's a girl coming who is special. I apologize in advance, I just found out.
Rosen: Care to elaborate?
Snotty: She's the Hippie Fantastic LoveBoat Parade.
Rosen: Preemptive apology accepted.
Unicorn Satan
Found in my cell phone notepad and I have no idea how it got there:
It's like an ice cream cone unicorn satan clown! He is!
It's like an ice cream cone unicorn satan clown! He is!
All My Children
Newspaper headline on V.P. debate:
WOMEN ON PALIN: SHE DELIVERS
Snotty: She delivers? What, a stillborn debate baby?
Esq: She delivers ALL children... directly into Christ's arms.
Snotty: Oh GOD, she DOES.
WOMEN ON PALIN: SHE DELIVERS
Snotty: She delivers? What, a stillborn debate baby?
Esq: She delivers ALL children... directly into Christ's arms.
Snotty: Oh GOD, she DOES.
Government Cheese
Cory and I were watching the construction workers in front of our apartment building. One gal was on her cell phone, one was chatting with a friend, and a couple of guys were standing around looking at a hole in the ground.
Snotty: I wish that was MY job, standing around talking on my cell phone and with my girlfriends.
Cory: DUDE, they're GOVERNMENT WORKERS. That's what they DO.
Snotty: I wish that was MY job, standing around talking on my cell phone and with my girlfriends.
Cory: DUDE, they're GOVERNMENT WORKERS. That's what they DO.
Picture This
Snotty: You once told me that people are more likely to read the text if there is also a picture.
Esq: I did?
Snotty: YES.
Esq: Well then, it must have been true.
Snotty: You know what? I know you. I probably stated something about text and photos together, and you would have said, 'Well people DO like pictures.'
Esq: People DO like pictures.
Snotty: But you would have said it in a mocking way!
Esq: Just about people who like pictures.
Snotty: Shut up!
Esq: Also, the pictures.
Snotty: *laughs*
Esq: ...and the people.
Snotty: *leaves the room* You're infuriating.
Esq: I like to think of it as 'endearing'.
Esq: I did?
Snotty: YES.
Esq: Well then, it must have been true.
Snotty: You know what? I know you. I probably stated something about text and photos together, and you would have said, 'Well people DO like pictures.'
Esq: People DO like pictures.
Snotty: But you would have said it in a mocking way!
Esq: Just about people who like pictures.
Snotty: Shut up!
Esq: Also, the pictures.
Snotty: *laughs*
Esq: ...and the people.
Snotty: *leaves the room* You're infuriating.
Esq: I like to think of it as 'endearing'.
Double Negative
Drunk Asian girl to our group of strangers: "I'LL BUY ALL OF YOU GUYS A ROUND OF DRINKS, EVEN THE JEW. I'M ASIAN, I CAN SAY THAT."
Sarah Palin
Lil Red: I wish there was some way to convey that nasal tone via text...or maybe not.
Snotty: I kind of love her. She's stupid and scrappy and has pretty lipstick.
Snotty: I kind of love her. She's stupid and scrappy and has pretty lipstick.
Oven, Friend
Old conversation with a 90-year old client:
Client: I don't remember much about the day I moved into my house, but I do remember that it was the only day in my life that I had to clean TWO ovens; the one I was leaving, and the new one I was meeting.
Client: I don't remember much about the day I moved into my house, but I do remember that it was the only day in my life that I had to clean TWO ovens; the one I was leaving, and the new one I was meeting.
Bock bock
Overheard at QFC:
Man, to woman: (forcefully) I can SAVE ten dollars on gas and go get more CHICKEN!
Man, to woman: (forcefully) I can SAVE ten dollars on gas and go get more CHICKEN!
Kangaroos
My friend, ObamaMama, said these two things in one day:
Over dinner:
This food makes me hopeful for deodorant companies, that they might start making deodorant that actually smells good! We have the technology!
From the backseat of our car:
Hey, he's putting them up! I love the kangaroos.
Over dinner:
This food makes me hopeful for deodorant companies, that they might start making deodorant that actually smells good! We have the technology!
From the backseat of our car:
Hey, he's putting them up! I love the kangaroos.
Pets
Whoreleen: What's that Pet Application you downloaded on Myspace?
Snotty: Oh, that's stupid--I wanted to remove it, but I never go and see my pet, so I'm hoping it just dies from neglect.
Esq: *snicker*
Whoreleen: Oh my GOD.
Snotty: I did that with my Neopet, too.
Snotty: Oh, that's stupid--I wanted to remove it, but I never go and see my pet, so I'm hoping it just dies from neglect.
Esq: *snicker*
Whoreleen: Oh my GOD.
Snotty: I did that with my Neopet, too.
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